The last time I felt this way, it didn’t end too well so I was doing my best to fight those feelings while I objectively tried to decide whether I really wanted to expose myself by doing this all over again. I really don’t think that my heart could take the pain and humiliation more than once so this was a big decision for me. Sara and I had talked about marriage a little bit, it felt clear that she was more than open to the idea of it, I just wasn’t sure because the conversations we had really didn’t feel like they were very serious. I didn’t know what to do because I was terrible at bringing these kinds of things up without it coming across as awkward and this was a subject that I didn’t need anymore help feeling awkward about. My mind kept wandering back to a time when I was in love for the first time, I’d never been hurt before so my guard was completely down and I was truly vulnerable…but sadly, she didn’t feel the same way. Long story short; I was too intense and it creeped her out so that didn’t last and I haven’t been reckless with my heart since.
I tried to think of a way that I could casually bring it up but nothing came to mind and I knew I wasn’t good with words. Last time, I just assumed and went off and bought the engagement ring but I wasn’t going to do that this time without some assurances first. We’d only been together for a little over a year so it wasn’t safe to assume anything at this point so I had to find out somehow, some way. I’ve got it! I’d have her meet me at the food court at the mall the next day for lunch and then suggest that we take a walk around. When we get to the jewelry store I’ll try to casually suggest that we go inside, depending on her reaction, I’ll say that I wanted to look at some watches if she looks uncomfortable. Otherwise, maybe I’ll actually get a clear sign, something as unmistakable as a a smile and hopefully that would lead to a more serious conversation about it in the near future. Then I could be sure and not have to feel so much anxiety about the matter anymore. I texted her and said that I’d be in the area during her lunch hour the next day and that I wanted to meet her for lunch. I think that even if she didn’t receive the hint as well as I anticipated, redirecting the conversation to me wanting to look at watches would eradicate any unpleasant feelings that may have briefly come to the surface. I thought about a movie that I’d seen a long time ago where they were driving down the road in a van singing about a mocking bird and a diamond ring. I laughed to myself and smiled because I knew that no matter what, I was less than 24 hours from knowing what my next move was going to be.